Bolts: We all know about holding the nuts. If you have the nuts, you have the best possible poker hand. The bolts is the opposite. If you have the bolts, you have the worst possible poker hand. For example, if the board is KK278 and you are holding 34, you have the bolts. This is particularly bad if, between you and your opponent, you have the nuts and bolts. (NOTE: It is not a coincidence that a bolt closely resembles a screw.)

Turnip: We’ve all played donkeys, but is it really fair to call a new player who doesn’t have a clue a “donkey” or “fish”? These players are turnips. They haven’t had enough experience to be a donkey or fish. They have just fallen off the turnip truck. Hopefully, once their beginner’s luck is gone, they will graduate to donkeyness or fishdom.

Suck-Resuck: This phenomenon is experienced by two players who have all of their money in the pot pre-flop. It is best definied with an illustration. Let’s say two players get all their money in pre-flop with AT vs. QQ. For a suck-resuck to occur, it is essential that one player be favored over the other. The phenomenon begins when the dealer starts to spread the flop and the first card becomes visible. In the case of the illustration, the top card would have to be an ace, giving the player with AT that instant adrenaline rush; however, as the flop is spread, the ace slides over to reveal another Q, crushing the hopes of the AT player. In other words, for the briefest of seconds, the AT sucked out on the QQ, but the QQ instantly resucked.

Blinophobe: Any person who seems to be afraid to post a blind before being instructed to do so by the dealer. This person is closely related to antephobes. (NOTE: Blinophobia is often the misdiagnosis for a more frustrating problem – forgetfulness.)

Antephobe: Any person who seems to be afraid to post an ante before being instructed to do so by the dealer. This person is closely related to the blinophobe.

Burbank: Incredibly bad acting by a person who is trying to disguise the strength (or lack of strength) of his/her hand. This term is closely related to “Hollywood”, but when it’s bad acting, you have to name it after Hollywood’s ugly step-sister.

Chip Pilot: Any person who has the ability to make his/her chips fly after taking a bad beat.

Alkaline Syndrome: If you have seen too much of Phil Hellmuth, you have an unbalanced PH level. The only known cure to balance your PH level is to discontinue watching ESPN for at least one week.

Dathowdayduitontv: There is no definition for this word, but people whose learning experiences are limited to watching poker on TV often use the word. On a side note, there has yet to be a documented case in which a person muttering this word has ever been correct.

Pretessional Poker Player: A person who pretends to be a professional poker player and will tell everybody within ear shot that he/she has cashed in major tournaments, but doesn’t tell you that his/her cash rate is incredibly poor.

[thanks to michellzappa and kc via cc]

Related posts:

• Poker Dealer Drops Deck of Cards to the Floor: Misdeal or Continue Hand?
• Texas Hold’em Poker: Rules, Bet Limits, & Betting Rounds

Tiger Woods Bisexual Odds

Tiger Woods has put through the ringer over the last few months as his mistress count has climbed into double digits, his marriage has fallen apart, and now new claims have surfaced from former mistress and playboy model Loredana Jolie that the golfer is bi-sexual. With speculation once again hitting fever pitch levels with regard to Tiger, the largest most successful sportsbook on the web, BetUS posted odds on the latest rumors:

Will Tiger Woods come out as Bisexual

• Yes 5/1

Will a man come forward and claim to have had a secret gay sex affair with Tiger Woods

• Yes 8/1

Will photos be revealed of a Tiger Woods bisexual relationship

• Yes 10/1

Spider-Man 4 Scandal

The wildly popular Spider-Man franchise was fully enmeshed in the Hollywood rumor mill this week as reports surfaced from Sony that Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi won’t reprise their roles on the project for the fourth installment. Fans are in an uproar and speculation is through the roof as to who might replace lead actor Maguire. Always providing their fans with answers to the latest pop-culture questions, BetUS posted odds:

Who will replace Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 4

• Robert Pattinson 4/1
• Michael Cera 6/1
• Johnny Simmons 7/1
• Logan Lerman 8/1
• Aaron Johnson 10/1
• Zac Efron 6/1
• Andrew Garfield 8/1
• Daniel Radcliffe 10/1
• Penn Badgley 8/1
• Anton Yelchin 10/1

Spider Man 4 Worldwide Gross

• Over 860,000,000 10/13
• Under 860,000,000 10/11

Will Spider-Man 4 outsell “The Dark Knight”

• Yes 3/2
• No 1/2

The Tonight Show and Conan O’Brian Late Night

The late night circuit hit the Hollywood rumor and speculation mill big time this week as reports surfaced that a shake up in time slots angered Conan O’Brien enough to have him show himself the door at NBC. With a huge following wondering where their favorite late night host will end up, BetUS posted odds on Conan’s next stop.

Where will Conan O’Brien End Up?

• FOX 2/3
• ABC 2/1
• CBS 3/1
• HBO 4/1
• Internet 5/1

Simon Cowell Leaving American Idol

With the size of the following the hit TV show American Idol has garnered over the years Simon Cowell’s announcement that he would be leaving the show after the season was met with a ton of buzz and speculation amongst fans. Questions continue to swirl amongst the show’s fan base as to who if anyone might replace him. With a history of unparalleled action taken on the popular singing contest show, BetUS once again beat everyone to the punch and posted odds on Simon’s replacement, as well as a few other ‘Idol’ specific gems!

Gender of Winner

• Male 5/6
• Female 5/6

Will any judge have an affair with a contestant

• Yes 3/1
• No 1/5

Which judge most likely to have an affair

• Simon Cowell 9/5
• Randy Jackson 5/1
• Kara DioGuardi 2/1
• Ellen DeGeneres 3/1

First album sales of winner

• 4,500,001 or More 6/1
• 3,500,001 – 4,500,000 5/1
• 2,500,001 – 3,500,000 7/2
• 1,500,001 – 2,500,000 2/1
• 1,000,001 – 1,500,000 9/5
• 1,000,000 or Less 3/1

(Totals do not include EPs, digital-only albums or pre-Idol recordings. (US Sales ONLY) Gold, Platinum, and/or Multi-platinum)

American Idol ratings this season (Nielsen Ratings)

• Over 33.2 Million Viewers 5/6
• Under 33.2 Million Viewers 5/6

Who will replace Simon Cowell in American Idol?

• Piers Morgan 2/1
• Sean “Diddy” Combs 3/1
• Quincy Jones 4/1
• Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds 4/1
• Conan O’Brien 5/1
• Simon Fuller 6/1
• Paula Abdul 5/1
• Rob Stevenson 7/1
• Russell Simmons 7/1
• Prince 8/1
• Ben Folds 8/1
• Elvis Costello 8/1
• Carson Daly 10/1
• Jon Gosselin 10/1

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• Betting Odds That the Washington Redskins Will Be Forced to Change Name

The Dude On Swimming With the Fish

Walter Sobchak: Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

This is when some yahoo sucks out on you all night long and you mark them separately only to track them down on subsequent nights and take all their money. I’m going to add that what usually happens when you track some lucky fish down and go after him is that some other shark at the table ends up catching you blindsided during your effort to hook the fish. Like Walter, we end up on the wrong end of the crowbar, watching our monster pot be pushed to the unknown 3rd party as we stare sadly at our fish.

Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?

The Dude: No…

Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?

The Dude: You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re just an asshole!

This one goes out to the jerks that insist on check-raising the fish at a friendly table. This doesn’t really apply to online games, because it’s much harder to “embarrass” people with a well-timed sandbag, but in live play a check-raise can destroy a live player’s mood. Too many times I’ve seen it– some drunk old guy enjoying himself, playing every hand, just giving away his chips to the rest of the table. Then some expert slow-plays a set and punishes the guy, pissing him off and embarrassing him at the showdown. The laughter ends, the smile turns into a frown, and all of the sudden the fish tightens up or leaves the table. Don’t be an asshole to the folks who are having fun donating to your bankroll.

The Stranger: I guess that’s the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin’ itself.

This quote from the mysterious stranger explains the popularity of hold ‘em: the weak players stick around because no single hand is that much of an underdog. As hold ‘em players, we have to understand that the reason the fish always come back is because any two cards really CAN win. Pocket Aces only win 35% of the time against 8 random hands. Part of the thrill for the gamb00lers is cracking those Aces, feeling the rush of the underdog victory on the river. The grinder knows that in the long run, the rockets will hold up, and the fish will give all of his money away. Hold ‘em “perpetuates itself” because the fish win enough on occasion so that the game still attracts them, and the grinders who play the odds will get their fair share in the long run. Realize that bad beats are the reason that you can make money in the long run. Poker ain’t chess.

The Dude: Fortunately, I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.

There’s a lot of different opinions about drinking at the table. Coming from the card-counting world, blackjack players say that drinking provides more “cover” than any act, and that a drink goes a long way towards confusing the pit bosses. Of course, it’s pretty hard to division to 2 decimals after 6 free drinks, but it never stopped me from trying. I’m not going to get into the whole table image discussion, but in a friendly game, a beer can go a long way towards disguising your shark-like nature. Without a drink, I look like a calculating math student (I never got any points for looking friendly). With a beer in hand, the jovial player across from me may get curious and pay me off on the river to see what I have. For other drugs, you’ll have to consult an expert.

The Dude: We’re screwed now! We don’t get shit! They’re going to kill her! We’re fucked Walter!

Walter Sobchak: Nothing is fucked Dude. C’mon, you’re being very un-Dude.

This quote would have done me well when I was starting out: don’t get all worked up over one horrible session. As long as you’re not putting your whole bankroll on the table, you’ll bounce back. One of my worst days ever was a marathon session on Thanksgiving, where I went on tilt after a slew of bad beats. I lost about half my bankroll because I lost focus and got desperate. I took a few days off, and went on a 2 month run where I left nearly every session a winner. The Dude loses his cool because he loses his perspective. You will have bad sessions, just like you have great sessions. Keep your cool– a bad session is just a bump in the single long session that is your poker career.

Walter Sobchak: You have no frame of reference, Donny. You’re like a child who walks into the middle of a movie…

Back when I was starting out, I’d sit down at a wild table and play my usual tight-aggressive game without getting a read on the table before I played my first hand. I’d raise with my JJ, only to find it capped with 8 players in by the time it got back to me. Don’t wander into a loose-aggressive game without knowing what you’re getting into. It’s important to get a feel for the texture of the game at a given table before you jump in and get crushed on your first hand. Let the blinds go round and play tight for an orbit until you get a read on your opponents.

Dude: We’re talking about unchecked aggression, here!

The Dude’s quote echoes the elder Bush, and recalls a theory that beginners often fail to fully understand: the “raise or fold” axiom that many pros advocate. While this tactic is the only way to succeed in tight games, it is the worst possible way to play in a loose-passive game. I remember one of my first $6-12 sessions where I dropped 30 big bets at a no-fold ‘em game at Hollywood Park. Showdown after showdown I was shown some ridiculous hand, and I left cursing my luck. But after reflecting on the way I played, I realized that tight-aggressive doesn’t work when you’re playing against an 8-headed fish. I read up on Morton’s Theorem and understood the adjustments required to play in a no fold ‘em game. Sometimes you need to check your aggression, and check the best hand against a school full of fish.

Jesus Quintana: What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Jesus. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I was gonna fuck you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

One of my favorite things to see is two players going at it in chat after one of them lays a vicious beat on the other. It seems to always lead to a heads-up challenge, with the suckout artist always saying: “Go set up a table, I’m there (followed by a stream of profanity).” One of the players always ends up saying “I’ll only play if it’s a $1K freezeout or higher.” Yeah, like the low limit fish is going to agree to that. Bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable.

The Dude On Tournaments

Jackie Treehorn: “I deal in publishing. Entertainment. Political advocacy.”

Jackie Treehorn’s justification of the porn industry strangely mirrors the way poker is presented to the mainstream. This quote goes out to Cardplayer magazine and the “poker media.” The American public is obsessed with celebrity, and the poker media does their best to make celebrities of the winners. The tournament winners are presented as brilliant and respectable superstars, when in reality most of them are not the best role models. Although there are plenty of stand-up superstars, my gut tells me the guys that are really cleaning up aren’t gonna appear in CardPlayer anytime soon (with the exception of Paul.

Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.”

One of the best quotes in the movie, from the most over-the-top character, goes out to the idiots who refuse to “check down” the best hand against an all-in player in the late stages of the tourney. Too many times I’ve seen a 3-way pot at the final table, where one player is all-in, and the other two end up heads-up for the side pot on the turn. They fail to understand that checking the best hand is their best play here, unless they have a monster. What can happen when the heads-up players don’t check it down is that the best hand is folded, and the all-in player ends up winning the main pot. If it’s checked down, the all-in player is busted, and the other two players have bumped themselves up one notch in the money. If I’m ever in a heads-up situation like this and I get bluff raised all-in, I’ll be reciting this quote in my head.

Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!

The Dude: Fuck the tournament… Fuck YOU, Walter!

[pause]

Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? Alright, I can see you don’t want to be consoled here, Dude. Come on Donny, let’s go get us a lane.

200+ player tournaments last forever. When you sit down for one of these things, you’re in for the long haul. Don’t buy into a tourney on impulse, unless you want to throw your money away. If you’re gonna play a big tourney, be prepared for 5 hours of uninterrupted play, and make sure you have some reading material. All it takes is one mistake and you’re gone, so be ready for a long, grueling battle.

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Look, man…

Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Just ask him about the car.

Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Is that your car out front?

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: We know it’s his fucking homework! Where’s the fucking money, you little brat?

This one goes out to the worst play in online poker– the infamous disconnect. Party is finally going to disable this in Multis, but even at $3-6, I’ll see some clown time out on the river after I check-raise them, and then they’re immediately back when the next hand is dealt. It’s one big bet, suck it up. If you see somebody type “Where’s the fucking money, you little brat?” in the chat after an obvious plug-pulling, you’ll know who it is.

Thanks for reading… now go meditate on the wisdom of the Dude. I’m closing the book on The Dude with the movie’s closing quote, and the promise that the winner of this year’s WSOP winner will be an unknown Dude. Anybody wanna bet?

The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

[thanks to hdouble, cote, and joe m500 via cc]

Related posts:

• Movie Wisdom of The Big Lebowski: The Dude & Poker (Part 1)
• Poker Wisdom: You Have To Trust Your Parachute

Since I’ve been on my pedestal and pretending like I’m some expert poker mentor, I thought I’d continue the masquerade and try something different tonight. In the spirit of The Sports Guy, today’s entry explores the poker wisdom in one of my favorite movies… The Big Lebowski.

The Wisdom of The Dude

The Dude: Walter, ya know, its Smokey, so his foot slipped over the line a little, big deal.

Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, the winner of this gets to progress into the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Smokey: Yeah but I wasn’t over.

Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey you are about to enter a world of pain.

Smokey: Yeah but…

Walter Sobchak: [shouting] A world of pain.

Smokey: Dude, could you…

The Dude: Jesus Walter, you bring a fucking gun bowling?

Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more?

Smokey: Yeah but…

Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think i’m fucking around? I’m not fucking around!

[points gun in Smokey's face]

Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero! Fucking mark it zero.

The Dude: They’re calling the cops, man.

Smokey: Alright, its fucking zero. Are you happy now you crazy fuck?

Walter Sobchak: …Its a league game Smokey…

The first quote goes out to the idiots who insist on lecturing the fish and showing everyone at the table how smart they are. I don’t know who said it first, but “don’t tap on the aquarium glass!” Too many times I’ve seen some sucker throwing his money away… of course he finally sucks out on some “pro,” who asks him how he can call 3 bets with 98o. The fish plays a couple more hands, being berated the whole time, and promptly leaves. Keep your gun in your pants, Walter.

The Dude: Just take it easy man.

Walter Sobchak: I’m perfectly calm Dude.

The Dude: shouting Yeah, waving the f*cking gun around?

Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.

The Dude: Will you just take it easy?

Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.

We all love getting raised on the river when a fish hits a runner-runner flush to drag a monster pot. Even though we think we’re immune to tilt, it’s pretty easy to start playing marginal hands with a couple fish at the table. You know they play anything, so your J9s starts looking pretty good, and you cold call. Don’t let the fish put you on tilt– just play your game, calm and cool.

The Dude: Oh, fuck me, man! That kid already spent all the money!

Walter Sobchak: New Corvette? Hardly, Dude. I’d say he’s still got about $960 – $970,000 left, depending on the options.

This quote applies to one of my favorite things I see on party– short stacks pissing away 6 big bets on that “last hand,” capping the flop and turn in a desperate attempt to go all in with nothing. Be aware of players with only 6 or 7 Big Bets in front of them. If you find them 3 betting you, throw in that cap, because usually they’re just trying to get rid of their chips so they can go beat their dog.

Walter Sobchak: GOD DAMN IT! Look, just because we’re bereaved, that doesn’t make us saps!

This quote goes out to the poker rooms in Southern California, raking off a big bet before the flop, even when only 2 players are in. I like playing in the B&M, but come on guys, that rake is out of control. Don’t squeeze the low-limit players too much, or the well will run dry. Build the bank online, where you don’t tip dealers and the rake is relatively small– then come back to the big games where the rake is almost non-existent.

The Dude: I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You’re the one who’s so fucking certain!

Walter Sobchak: That’s right, Dude. 100% certain.

Walter, of course, ends up being right. When you’re close to the nuts and somebody 3 bets the turn or river on you, wait a second before throwing out the cap. If your gut tells you you’ve got the best hand, grit your teeth and reraise.

Nihilist: We thought we were going to get a million dollars! It’s not fair!

Walter Sobchak: Not fair? Who’s the fucking nihilist?

The Nihilist is the typical tourney player who complains about a bad beat. Accept that short term luck is the most important factor in tourneys. Your AA is a big favorite, but not that big. Suck it up and get ready for the next tourney.

The Big Lebowski: Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?

[The Dude walks out and shuts the door]

The Big Lebowski: The bums will always lose!

Brandt: How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

To all the low-limit pros out there: grinding it out hour after hour in front of the monitor may not be glamorous, but it’s a hell of a lot better than working some dead end job from 9 to 5 every day. Forget the yuppie naysayers, if you build your bankroll and use your spare time wisely, you’ll go a lot farther than the average working stiff.

The Stranger: See, they call Los Angeles the “City Of Angels”, but I didn’t find it to be that, exactly. But I’ll allow it as there are some nice folks there. ‘Course I aint never been to London, and I aint never seen France. And I aint never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the fella says. But I’ll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles, and this here story I’m about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin’ every bit as stupefyin’ as you’d seen in any of them other places.

This quote goes out to the no fold ‘em LA hold ‘em players, from 2-4 all the way up to $15-30. I’ve heard many times that the $15-30 games at Hollywood Park is looser than the $4-8 game. If you can build a bankroll big enough to handle the swings, and stay off tilt, you’ll be rollin in chips like Demi Moore in “Indecent Proposal”.

Walter Sobchak: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors… and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and… up to… Pizmo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabozov, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

To Sean– I miss ya buddy. Anisotropy was not the first blog to pass on to that great blog in the sky, but it’s the one I miss the most. Sean, wherever you are, keep on truckin.

The Dude: Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to realize the fact that you’re a god damn moron.

This one goes to Phil Hellmuth. Nuff said.

Walter Sobchak: Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. Nobody is going to cut your dick off.

This quote goes to a $5-10 6 max hand I played tonight. Grubby say: “It sucks when a maniac gets a real hand”. I’ll leave out the gory details, but with three jacks on the board, my pocket tens went down in flames to maniac’s AJ.

The Dude: Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real fucking brat, but I’m sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he’s fifteen.

Don’t cold call the raises of the fish with marginal hands. Yeah you can outplay them after the flop, but there are 8 other players at the table who won’t be loosening up as much as you. As the example above illustrates, sometimes they actually have a real hand.

The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The final quote relates to the zen of poker. When you’re playing low limit poker well, you’re not focusing on tells, calculating pot odds, or putting players on hands. The game just comes to you. You feel it, you KNOW everything that’s going on without calculation. You look at your stack after a while and see that you’ve doubled your buy in. There is such a thing as “trying too hard”. Relax, and let the game come to you.

[thanks to hdouble, goldberg, and cote via cc]

Related posts:

• Movie Wisdom of The Big Lebowski: The Dude & Poker (Part 2)
• Poker Wisdom: You Have To Trust Your Parachute

Analysts at BetUS posted the following odds on 2010 Celebrity Drug Busts:

• Pete Doherty 8/11
• Robert Downey Jr 12/1
• Andre Agassi 20/1
• Amy Winehouse 5/1
• Lindsay Lohan 15/1
• Britney Spears 25/1
• Blake Fielder-Civil 5/1
• Nicole Richie 15/1
• Paris Hilton 25/1
• Courtney Love 6/1
• Whitney Houston 18/1
• Colin Farrell 30/1
• Kerry Katona 7/1
• Eminem 15/1
• Ozzy Osbourne 40/1
• Kate Moss 10/1
• Peaches Geldof 20/1
• Prince Harry 50/1
• George Michael 12/1

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• NBA Betting Odds: 2010 NBA MVP & Finals Championship Winner
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• Tiger Woods Masters Tournament 2010: Betting Odds on Winner

The survey, which asked online casino players who they’d choose to be the dealer’s voice in their ideal online casino, was conducted by casinotradingpost.com. The 100 respondents opted for the distinctive tones of ex-James Bond charmer Connery and the sexy twang of actress, turned professional poker player, Tilly as the man and woman they’d most like to declare them bust!

Casino Trading Post Spokesman John Simms said, “Our audience is predominantly Australian and it just goes to show that Aussies know their gambling… They not only want an online casino dealer voice that sounds good, but also one that’s authoritative in the gambling world.”

Other celebrities that featured in the voting included actor Morgan Freeman, cricketer Shane Warne, singer Kylie Minogue and Hollywood star Nicole Kidman.

“The top-two selections are great choices and worthy winners in my opinion” said Simms, “As an ex-Bond, Sean Connery has a huge association to the casino lifestyle and Jennifer Tilly, whilst being very attractive, is a world-class poker player.”

[thanks to mush2274 and alan light via cc]

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I’m especially saddened by my latest casualty. It’s my longest serving pair of Las Vegas casino socks.

Say it with me: “Hard. Rock. Socks”.

I can’t put a precise date on how long I’ve had these, but it’s at least five years. Possibly closer to ten. They were the ones that started my casino sock collection, and I’ve been trying to replace them for several years to no avail.

Believe it or not, the World’s Largest Hard Rock retail store doesn’t sell a pair of logo socks any more.

I can’t bring myself to throw them away yet. I’m not sure whether to let them go out with a bang and put up with them slipping down when I wear them for one last outing, or simply to have them preserved.

Would that be called “soxidermy”?

In other age-related sock death news, I think these fantastic Mirage socks with reversible cuff only have one more wear left in them too.

They’re also irreplacable. I’ve checked at every available opportunity the past few years. The Mirage does still sell socks, but only Siegfried and Roy branded children’s socks.

But these ones are threadbare in several places and I need to let them go with at least a little dignity.

[thanks to luckydonut via cc]

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I bet you didn’t know Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore’s boyfriend and Punk’d guy, produces the show. I bet you don’t care after I just showed you Jillian’s photos.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you time to take in the beautiful landscape of the photos. Nice trees right?

So, back to reality, the point I’m getting across is that Jillian has been voted Miss April BetUS 2008 – which has made it quite a few BetUS models that have hit it big-time in show-biz. And yes, BetUS.com is a sportsbook, racebook (horse racing), casino and poker room – and totally cool with real money players from the United States. Great people at customer service too – cool guys.

Back to the topic at hand. Jillian admits to preferring being in that green thong in her Miami hometown (South Beach baby!) instead of those huge wads of clothes she had to wear growing up in New Hampshire. Me being from Miami myself, she definitely looks the Miami part in her pictorials I’ll give her that.

Onto the topic of getting a date with Jillian. So let’s say you see her somewhere. You strike up a nice conversation with her and everything’s going well. You ask her for her number and she gives it to you. How long should you wait before calling Jillian?

“If he’s to get my number, I mean, I’d want him to call that night… soon, don’t wait.”

So, the question gets posed: How can a CasinoSmack reader get a date with you? What type of date do you want?

“The date doesn’t matter, it’s the chemistry I feel with the person I’m with,” she answers. Sounds great to me! So when she’s done cooking up some meat for me (I think I nodded off for a second there), and you get yourself a date with her, take her to a fine dining establishment – early bird special at McDonalds perhaps?

Let’s say you’ve been going out with her for a while. Relationship has officially BLOSSOMED. What’s her future look like?”I want to go see the world. After that I want to settle down somewhere, a small town probably like New Hampshire and have a family, get married, raise kids.”

Another tip is that her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and she’s going to want you to bring her flowers, stuffed animals and take her out for some vodka martinis. And clothes probably, poor girl only wears thongs.

I’m hooking you guys up with her myspace page, but no stalking – only gawking! Or a fat CasinoSmack in the face for you.

Anyway, Jillian just told me she doesn’t want to blog anymore and says she wants to make me a mojito. Ok Jilly (that’s what I call her) extra lime in the mojito please.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

More Beautiful Jillian Beyor Photos:

Jillian Beyor Video via YouTube:

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Bet you didn’t know that.

Well, the story starts like this. There’s a fisherman whose name is Olin Kennedy and he was fishing off Cape Canaveral. All was going well, he was fishing, grabbing some fish and just chilling out on the waters of the Cape.

He decides to take his boat out a little farther – 12 miles off the coast. He’s feeling good, nice breeze, chilling on his 24-foot boat and he goes to grab a fishing rod. The boat is in motion and is in gear. He misjudges the rod, loses his footing on the moving boat, and…

SPLASH!

Olin’s in the water! And he doesn’t have a kill switch to kill the boat’s engine so the boat just flies off without him!

So he starts treading water. And treading water. And treading water some more.

He treads water for MORE THAN FOUR HOURS. Can you imagine having to tread water for more than 4 hours? That’s 240 minutes for you math whizzes out there. I can’t even tread water – no joke. I can swim, but I can’t tread. Don’t blame me, my swimming instructor when I was taking lessons at 8 years old was a moron that didn’t want to get his hair wet. What a pansy he was.

Well, this dude is treading and treading. So he does what anyone in his situation would do. He takes off his pants. Obviously.

The reason he takes his pants (khaki-colored in case you were wondering) off is to signal, by waving them around and hoping someone would see him.

Lady luck comes in the form of the Ambassador II, a casino cruise ship.

“Oh bleep!” was what Olin Kennedy said was going in his mind when he fell in the water and saw his boat leave without him. “Then I said a prayer, and my prayer was answered by Carlos Navarro, who’s a hand on the ship. He spotted me. After being in the water for four hours, things were getting a little dreary.”

Olin Kennedy, the pants-less casino-saved fisherman is perfectly fine with no injuries. But the boat has still not been found. So if any of you guys see a boat rolling around Cape Canaveral without an owner, let us know.

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